Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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