So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
