Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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