I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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