a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
