It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize