All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
