It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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