My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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