Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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