he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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