Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
