just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
