So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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