Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
