my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
