i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
