I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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