Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize