Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
