Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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