life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
