Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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