Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
