My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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