She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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