After last night, I could never be a politician.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
