So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
