my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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