haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
