you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
