i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Boobs speak an international language.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize