I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
