It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
