PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
