I have demons in me.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
