my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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