im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
