you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
