cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
