wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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