Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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