I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
