it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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