There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
