smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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