sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
