also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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