I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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