I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
