The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just forgot I was standing up.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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