my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize