Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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