dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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