I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
