I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
