I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jerry, you need to find god
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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